If you know anything about me, you know that diet and exercise are paramount in my life. I treat my body like a temple. A temple that hosts a donut and vodka festival every weekend. But every once in a while even I reach a saturation point. I look at my ass (or worse- a picture of my ass) and realize I gotta do something, and fast. Summer’s coming. Everyone knows the quickest way to drop the pounds is running. Now, I normally don’t run anywhere– unless you count running late. This is mainly because, hmm… let’s see… how shall I put it? I have what equates to two squirmy newborns growing out of my chest. I’m stacked. I can’t run with these ta-ta’s— just not built for it. But I see other people doing it and it looks so effortless! I want to be a runner. I decide to do a walk/run thingy which involves running for 3 minutes followed by a “recovery period”. A painful, bent-over dry-heaving ten minute limp and repeat. Yes– I can do this!
So there I am- fired up, limbered up, geared up in all my poly/cotton moisture-wicking glory. I’ve got my iPod loaded with ma jams and I am looking good. I am DOIN’ IT, people! I’m running! In the zone! Feeling the breeze! Tasting the rainbow!
Oh… *cough* that wasn’t the rainbow I just tasted… *ppththtptooie!* That was a gnat! I just ate a gnat. I downshifted into my walk/limp phase and took a few gnat-cleansing breaths. That’s when it happened…
THWACK! I took a bug to the eye. Holy fuckballs, that smarts!
I don’t mean a bug grazed me and flew off– I mean it entered my ocular cavity, dove down, squirmed around, threw up, took a shit and lost a leg up in there. Inside my eye. I danced around Watusi-style, furiously rubbing and blinking and cursing. Like an agitator in a washing machine, this basically drove the bug down deeper into my socket. I didn’t really get a good look at it, (because I was blind, goddammit!) but I think it was a rogue spider or something akin to this:
Okay, maybe an exaggeration but that’s what it felt like. Finally I extracted the creature and declared my workout done for the day. At least my heart rate was up! Walking home I could feel it starting to swell. At home I assessed the eye trauma and decided I would be fine after some Visine. To rehydrate, I had some wine with a Benadryl chaser. I felt better almost instantly, mainly because I soon arrived at something I call “Benadrunk.” My favorite kind of drunk. Then I passed out.
In the morning I opened my eye- my one good eye because the other eye was puffy and sealed shut with a crusty outer coating. I touched my face, gingerly feeling the lid. It was hot and it had it’s own heart beat. That can’t be good. I ran to the mirror and ZOMG! I looked like a prize fighter. Or that kid in MASK, if that kid got punched in the eye. By a bug.
Okay, FINE– I’ll show you:
|I know, right? Look away. I’m heeedjus.|
Thirty minutes later the Current Legal Spouse was driving me to the opthamologist (and may I add, he seemed a little “put out” by the whole thing). That’s because he had the luxury of sight. I reached out and felt around for his face while he drove. I whispered, “This is just like Ice Castles!” He pushed my hands away. Something about “trying to drive..” I shot him a look with the one good eye but it wasn’t effective. I turned forward, dejected. “Robbie Benson would never do that,” I huffed. He had no idea what I was referring to (as usual) so I hummed the Ice Castles theme song to him. It didn’t help. I hummed louder.
|“The roses! We forgot about the roses…”|
Even the eye doc seemed impressed with my disfigurement! It gave me an odd sense of pride.
She examined my eye with that giant light swingy contraption.
Eye Doc: Well, I don’t see anything in there.. no corneal abrasion…
Me: I think there’s an egg sac in there. I feel it hatching. Spider babies, hatching in my eyes… *sob*
Eye Doc: Um, no.
Me: A thorax? It feels like a thorax. Or a leg of something. It hurts.
Eye Doc: I think you just got stung on the lid, and are having a massive allergic reaction.
Me: Are you sure? Don’t sugar-coat it, Doc!
Eye Doc: Either that, or you are developing Bacterial Keratitismastenosistcryptomum, *something like that, I’m not sure what she said, it was the longest word ever* …which causes swelling, fever, vomiting and eventual loss of sight…
Me: Will I need a patch? A seeing eye dog? Should I learn to ice skate? I have weak ankles…
Eye Doc: What? Just take these drops and put some ice on it- you’ll be fine.
I didn’t even want to go to lunch afterwards- and that’s when you know something is really wrong with me, if I turn down a meal. I think Current Legal Spouse felt bad after that. As he should. Bastard.
I’m fine now, thanks for asking. I have regained sight and normal shape to my eye and face. I think the big take-away from all of this is that exercise is dangerous and it is to be avoided at all costs, if you enjoy seeing out of both eyes. Either that, or invest in some Kareem Abdul-Jabbar-style goggles. Which is a sexy, sexy look for any lady. It’s a jungle out there. Meanwhile, I’ll be safe indoors, in my crumb-filled but bug-free barcalounger.