Can you feel it? That crisp snap in the air? No? Me neither… because we live in Houston. We don’t experience actual “seasons,” but technically, it’s fall, y’all. That means Halloween! Hooray! That magical time of year for kids and drunken adults of all ages. Halloween is now the second most popular holiday in the U.S. with annual costume sales topping one billion dollars. Billion! And let me tell you, I believe it, because people take their costumes and decor very seriously around here. The horror starts early and hits hard. In August, you’ll begin to see the pumpkins. You ignore that because you’re still wearing your star spangled tube top (please don’t try wearing a tube top without a strapless bra ladies) The very next week some overachieving neighbor is putting out their yard cemetery complete with fog machine. Suddenly it’s everywhere. By late September you can’t even browse Walgreens without an animatronic witch reaching out to touch you in aisle 3. You just wanted some tampons and now you have to pry your screaming child off of your leg because she’s terrified. Good times.
|Don’t forget your Xanax from the pharmacy, my pretty!|
The search for the perfect costume is always a challenge. With so many choices it can be overwhelming and expensive. My kids tend to change their minds quite a lot, so I don’t like to start too early. Of course then you run the risk of missing all the good stuff, and you find yourself on October 30th, poking arm holes in a black Hefty trash bag and telling your kid that he’s a California Raisin. Not cool, mom. Not. Cool.
|“Ooh, I heard it thru the grapevine…
this was all yo mama could find…”
I’m not what you would call “crafty” (not in the Hobby Lobby sense of the word) so I won’t be crafting any homemade costumes. Nobody wants to see me with a glue gun. No, I will be purchasing something made by a faraway sweatshop. It’s the American way.
Sure, you can look online, but sometimes it’s important to actually see the costume before purchase. Especially for girls. Is it just me or are the girl’s costumes getting skimpier? They are making these sexy costumes in children’s sizes! What is up with that? My daughter is six– she doesn’t need to wear fishnets and patent leather lace-up boots. I don’t even have patent leather lace-up boots! I swear! Hey, if you are a grown woman and want to dress up like Skankenstein, knock yourself out, but they shouldn’t be marketing “sexy kitty” or sexy ANYTHING for kids. Just my opinion. Of course my daughter Camille (aka The Kraken) is inexplicably drawn to the tacky as I’ve explained in earlier posts, but I
bribed gently steered her away from that and we finally agreed on “Catarina” which is some kind of weird cat/ballerina mash-up. Whatever, she doesn’t look like a total streetwalker, so I’m happy. Sold! Henry’s costume choice kind of made me sad because he used to choose cute superheroes, video game characters and cowboys. This year? Bloody Ghost Face or something like that “with actual squirting blood! Cool!” Lovely. My boy is growing up and getting gross. I better get used to it.
|Didn’t I just change your diaper?|
So, we’re all set for the big fright night. The house is decorated and relatively spooky, (built-in cobwebs because I don’t dust. Bonus! ) the Current Legal Spouse will be on Trick-or-Treat walking duty with the little monsters and I’ll be at home
eating handing out candy while drinking wine. This is my favorite job because we always have a big turnout and I love seeing the parade of costumes. And okay, eating the candy. And drinking the wine.
Which wine pairs well with Twix??