I just received the first Christmas card of the year in the mail.
I’m gonna need a minute.
I know, I know– some people are on the ball. Some people run right out Thanksgiving night to shop the sales, mail the cards, and get the tree. They crank up the Mannheim Steamroller and wrap the presents they started buying three months ago. They are all ready for Christmas right now.
Those people are assholes.
Me, I work a little differently. I’m more of a last-minute gal and work best under pressure. That’s not always possible with kids around. They, too, are ready in October. To them, Thanksgiving is just a gravy-covered speed bump on the road between Candyween and Toyland. So it was no surprise when mine started penning their letters to Santa well before Thanksgiving.
What was surprising was The Kraken’s announcement: That she was ready for Carlos to come back.
“Carlos” is our Elf on the Shelf. If you don’t know what Elf on the Shelf is, clearly you don’t have small children or leave the house ever, because this felt bastard is everywhere now. When we got ours the kids immediately named him Carlos. Yes, Carlos. Even though he is Casper-white with brown hair and blue eyes, that is the name they came up with. M’kay. Fantastico.
|Si. Mi nombre es Carlos|
My son, Henry (you know, “The Good One”- I bet you forgot that I have two kids) was excited. Of course he was, because he’s always pretty well behaved. The thought of Carlos being able to tell Santa directly how good he is meant MORE toys for him! Camille (The Kraken) on the other hand, wasn’t so sure this was a good thing, having an
narc Elf in the house. She had a lot of questions about Carlos and his powers. Does he come in my room? Do his eyes ever move? Why doesn’t he have feet? By the third day she started to say she didn’t like him– he scared her. She wanted him to go away. But I think she just really didn’t like the idea of some tiny drone spy watching her every move. She didn’t want Carlos filling Santa’s head with lies. He could really mess her shit up. Because she is a nightmare and she knows she is a nightmare. “Scared her”? My ass. She ain’t scared o’ nuthin’.
I mean, he was kinda creepy with that waxen, pixie-like gaze of his. Every morning he was in a different place in the house. Smiling. Watching. Judging. Tracking her every move.
I figured this would be good practice for when she is finally fitted with that ankle-monitoring device.
I find all elves (and dolls in general) a little creepy. Some more than others. The Elf on the Shelf was right up there, as beautifully illustrated in this handy dandy chart from nickmom.com..
Anyhoo, she was freaked out so we eventually had to “ask him to leave” last year. Sigh. So much for new holiday traditions. Henry was bummed. I was secretly okay with it because guess who has to move this annoying bastard to a new location every night? Sometimes I would forget and wake up in a cold sweat, crawl out of bed at 3 a.m. and move it. Or kick the Current Legal Spouse awake and croak, “Uugh the fucking Elf..” Or, more likely, make up some story the next morning about why he didn’t move. “Um… you were bad, and he didn’t want to fly back and tell Santa that.” Some people actually set their Elf up in cute little scenarios, or make him do naughty things in the house like make a mess or take ornaments off the tree. What? Who does that?? Fuck that– just more shit for me to clean up. No, thank you. There are whole websites and Pinterest boards devoted to the crazy shit the Elf does. Some people have too much time on their hands. The same assholes that are ready for Christmas, I guess.
This year, being older and wiser (and thinking she’s possibly missing out on extra toys), Camille decided she was ready for Carlos to come back. I told her I didn’t know if he would come back… she would have to write him a letter and ask him. He might be working in a sweatshop in Tijuana by now.
|“p.s. Don’t come in my room”|
So, Carlos is back. Hurray! I wised up and have a reminder set on my phone to move this pain-in-my-ass every night at 10 p.m. So far, he seems to be keeping both kids in line. Kinda. The Kraken still has her moments. If she starts any shit I’m going to pull out this photo:
|“HOLA, LITTLE GIRL!”|
Merry Creepmas, everybody!