The Kraken just announced she wants a hamster. I’m not sure where this notion came from; I can only assume some little braggart in her class got one and won’t stop talking about it. They probably even brought it in for Show-and-Tell. Thanks, ya little a-hole!
There are so many reasons I think this is a bad, bad idea. First off, The Kraken doesn’t really have a stellar track record of pet-keeping. Exhibit A: Fish. She is basically the Jack Kevorkian of the goldfish world. After about the fifth belly-up goldfish, Petco put up a picture of her with a line through it. “Stop Her Before She Kills Again.” Henry is only slightly better. Neither of them fed the damn fish or cleaned the bowl, ever. Guess who got to do that? No, not me– are you high? I made Current Legal Spouse do it. Duh. You can bet your ass it will be the same for a hamster.
Also, we already have a toybox full of those annoying Zhu Zhu Pets, which are fake hamsters if you’re not familiar. Ten minutes after she got one of those, she had the wheels stuck in her hair. Doesn’t bode well for a live animal with live teeth. Hopefully a real hamster would be slightly less annoying than those damn Zhu Zhu pets. All that chirping, squeaking and clicking– how the fuck do you get them to shut up?! The only way I’ve found is to chuck them out of a moving car. Although it could be fun to put a Zhu Zhu pet in with a real live hamster. Kind of a cage match/Thunderdome situation…
|Dear God, make it stop.|
And don’t even get me started on Mudge (our dog. Our HUNTING dog). He probably won’t rest until he has the damn thing in his mouth and disembowels it. I guess it’s a good thing we don’t have a cat. That might be worse.
And then there’s The Kraken’s little friend down the street; I’ll call her Abbey. Yes.. now that I think about it, this is all her fault.
IT WAS YOU, ABBEY.
Abbey has a hamster. She juggles that thing like an orange, then she puts tiny, slutty outfits on him, shoves him in her Barbie Dream Car and launches him across the room. Wheeee! It’s dangerous, humiliating and emasculating. So of course my daughter is all over that. The last time we were over at Abbey’s, I’m pretty sure the hamster was trying to signal me. I can’t be sure but I think he spelled out HELP ME in sunflower seeds. Poor thing. But what can I do? I’m powerless to help. Maybe I’ll make some anonymous calls to the SPCA.
(Yeah, I know that’s a chipmunk above but that’s kind of the look I get from Abbey’s tortured hamster. Disturbing.)
The Kraken’s birthday is coming up so this hamster thing is probably happening. *sigh* I guess this is better than another afternoon with the animatronic rat at THE CHUCK.
In Other News: I’m in a book! Oh, you heard? It’s now available on Amazon and Kindle, and soon iTunes, Nook, Sony etc. As you can see on my sidebar, the Amazon link is up. All versions should be available by mid-March and I will be shouting from the rooftops when that happens. Go “like” my RachRiot fan page on Facebook for updates! The link is up top. Exciting, right? There are so many talented bloggers in this book. Here are a few more links to their blogs to get to know them:
Anna at My Life and Kids.
Bethany at Bad Parenting Moments
Kristen at Life On Peanut Layne
Stacey at Nurse Mommy Laughs
Johi at Confessions Of A Corn Fed Girl
I’d love to hear about your hamster and see pictures, too. Wait, that sounds dirty.