The best thing about having a blog and a Facebook page is the immediate feedback from readers. Receiving comments and messages from fans telling me that something I wrote really made them laugh, or inspired them to start their own blog, touched them or just made them think– that is really gratifying.
Just kidding– the best thing is the pervy requests I get! Duh.
Most are pretty benign, such as, “Will you marry me?” and “Are those real?” or “Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?” or “Will you and your mother kiss me with that mouth?” Those kinds of things don’t even raise an eyebrow with me anymore, really, but every once in a while I get a doozy that I just can’t ignore. Like the message I got from one faithful reader; I’ll call him Brian.
Brian is into feet. That’s right– dude wants to pay fifty bucks for pictures of my feet. That’s it– just my feet. Several female bloggers are familiar with Brian. He gets around. You haven’t really made it as a blogger until you get a message from Brian or a comment dropped right in a thread having NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with feet. There you are, discussing the government shutdown or more important issues, like what in the fuckity-fuck was Gretchen wearing on the RHOC Reunion show and bam, outta nowhere– here comes pervy Brian. Sometimes he casts a broad net:
|Just one recent example.|
The very first time it happened, a few things ran through my mind.
First thought: Wait, what?
Second thought: HAHAHAHA!!
Thirdly: Seriously? ..the fuck?
Fourthly: $50? Huh. That’s pretty good.
But really, have you seen my feet? I’m not gonna lie, they are adorable. My perfectly formed toes are corn-free and always freshly pedicured. I really should share my gifts with the world. If I weren’t busy here, entertaining you people, I’d probably be a foot model. No funky long second toe here. Many people have admired my feet, so you can hardly blame the guy for sniffing out perfection. Sniffing out. See what I did there?
Some people are highly offended by this man and I guess I get it, maybe for them it’s a moral dilemma, but honestly? I don’t really see the harm. How is a picture of my feet all that different than a picture of, say, my hands? My kneecaps? I don’t know. It’s not my tits, for Christ’s sake– and yes, I get those requests. It’s not sexual at all for me but obviously it is for him. I found it rather amusing and wondered how the hell this fetish got started for ol’ Bri Bri. Having a thing for feet is the most common form of sexual fetishism related to the body, so he’s in good company: It is reported that Elvis, Quentin Tarantino and even Jay Leno have this fetish. I wanted to ask him more about it but didn’t really want to engage foot boy in conversation, even over the ‘net. I doubt he’s interested in my armchair analysis while he’s trying to get his toegasm on anyway.
One day he sent a rather specific email detailing his requests and what kind of pictures he prefers. He wants twelve (TWELVE?!) pictures of my feet, some in pantyhose with toes spread, nicely polished, toe rings and ankle bracelets are okay (dude, I just gagged.) I have to hand it to him– the guy is super professional and polite. Probably the nicest pervert I’ve ever dealt with and believe me, I’ve dealt with a few. This is a serious passion of his and he’s not trying to offend. He just loves feet.
Anyway, the email… that’s where he lost me. It started sounding a helluva lot like work, which we all know I am against. I mean, I’ll kick my hoof out and take a few selfies (footies?) and send them on, but panty hose? Like, putting on actual PANTY HOSE? Twelve poses? Aw hell naw. I haven’t owned actual pantyhose in years. I guess he wouldn’t be interested in spankin’ it to my Spanx… Oh well.
He even told me that every time I change my toenail polish he will pay $50 again! I’m really wondering what he does with these pictures. I mean I have a pretty good idea what he does…duh, but you would think in this day and age in these here internets you could get all the pedicure porn you want, but apparently this guy is insatiable.
|You know how you and your gal pals like to take these shots?
Yeah.. dudes are whacking to it right now.
A quick Google search of the subject led me down a rabbit hole of true whatthefuckness. You would not believe the specific fetish niche markets out there. Of course there are websites dedicated to celebrity feet, namely wikifeet.com but did you know there are foot fetish dating sites, sites for “mature” feet aficionados, ticklers, high-arch lovers and deliciously dirty feet smellers? Because of course there are. Also, an entire website devoted to random shots of just women dangling their shoe off the end of their toes. I shit you not. It’s called Danglers. M’kay.
Also, just FYI, if I die anytime soon I’m going to need you to come over and burn my laptop because my Google history is all kinds of fucked up right now.
Of course I told my Current Legal Spouse all about the offer and he too was mildly amused. At first. He would never tell me what to do with my body and he trusts my decisions. (HA!) I think he was figuring at least Brian could start paying for all my pedicures and it was just a picture, anyway. He became annoyed when I wouldn’t stop deliberating about it and asking others’ opinions and finally, he was officially done when I stubbed my toe, looked at him and said, “Brian’s not going to like this..”
I haven’t sent anything to Brian, just so you know– honestly, I probably won’t. I’m bored with it now. On to the next pervert. I guess this could be a money-making venture for some women. Is it such a big deal? I want to know your thoughts.