The Winter Olympics are almost over. I gotta say, I was a tad bored. We prefer the summer games, don’t we all? I don’t mean to sound unpatriotic– I love ‘MERICA but I mean, after the ugly sweater debacle, the opening ceremony fuck ups, Sochi failed to hold my attention. Thank goodness for Johnny Weir, former Olympian and now very colorful commentator. Amid Russia’s anti-gay laws, he is a bright beacon of daily fiercenessss, symbolically sticking his American middle finger up Putin’s tight ass. Nobody puts Johnny in cargo pants. Not only that, he actually knows what he’s talking about. I dig him, and I love the banter that he and Tara Lipinski have, even though sometimes he’s dressed like my Aunt Sue on her way to play Bridge.
|DEAL WITH IT|
Middle America doesn’t know what to think about him, but answer me this: Did Johnny’s tiara make Bode Miller cry? No. No, it did not. Sparkle on, Johnny Weir. WERK.
Other than that, meh. I tried to get into it, but eventually I turned back to my real love– the internets. That’s where I found this: CAT CURLING. I know, right? I was mesmerized.
This! This is more like it! And it got me thinking- what other events could they add to liven things up, four years from now? I had a few thoughts:
Full-Figure Skating– There are a lot of portly folks who are surprisingly light on their feet and great dancers. I’m willing to bet more than a few are kick-ass ice skaters. If you think about it, they are insulated against the cold and probably bounce when they eat ice on a triple Salchow. Win/Win.
|Farley takes GOLD|
Nordic Combined Combine- Cross country skiers and jumpers compete and the fourth runner-up, i.e., LOSER, is fed into a farm combine harvester. Grisly? yes. Riveting? Hell yes! You’d totally watch that and don’t even pretend otherwise. Sickos.
Speedskating- In my version, everyone competing takes a couple of hits of speed ten minutes before the race. Hilarity ensues. Possible heart attacks are just a bonus. How has Red Bull not picked up on this? I bet they have.
Luge Ferrigno- Is just what it sounds like: All luge participants dress up like the Incredible Hulk. Duh.
Spooky Skeleton- Like regular skeleton, but spooky! Black lights, organ music. Maybe candy.
Bobsled Costas- Teams of two make timed runs down an ice track. One man steers while the other tries to successfully administer ointment into Bob Costas’ eyes.
|Take the red eye home, Bob. You’re done.|
In the meantime, this is a real billboard up now in Chicago concerning the semifinal hockey game between Canada and USA. And it is glorious. Story behind it, here. GO, USA, for the love of all things, make this a reality.
My friend Kip is a bigwig at NBC/Universal. That’s right, I know people- important people. I’m going to try to schedule a meeting and maybe make this happen. Just as soon as Kip and the Olympic committee and Johnny Weir return my calls. I’m going to save the Winter Olympics.