Like any mother of a burgeoning “tween” girl, I want to give my daughter all the love, support and positive role modeling I can. She’s growing up so fast. I want to teach her to be fearless, to go boldly after her dreams and goals and have confidence in her choices…
Unless her dreams are dumb and her choice is to spend $100 at Justice, because that shit is just crazy.
By some miracle I have mostly managed to shield my almost nine-year-old from the bedazzled mall mecca that is Justice. Until today. Her Christmas cash was burning a hole in her pocket, so initially I was pleased when she asked to go clothes shopping with her own funds!? Yes!
Then she blindsided me with, “Can we go to Justice?”
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| “Welcome to the Seventh Circle of Hell… We’re totes having a sale!” |
<inwardly> No. No. Nooooooooooooooooo!
<outwardly> “Um, sure.” “Sure.” “If that’s what you want… to do with your money.”
Shit.
Suddenly, even the American Girl store sounded downright delightful. I even mentioned it out of desperation, but she demanded Justice! How did this happen? I’ve been so careful, steering her towards the classics; dresses with cute leggings, twin sets, ballet flats. Everyone knows Justice clothing is the gateway drug to Wet Seal, and I’m not having it. I mean, I like a little tasteful sparkle- what girl doesn’t? But I really didn’t want her dressing like a walking Bratz doll. Clearly, one of her fashion-forward little friends got to her. Those bitches!
What can you do? The tacky heart wants what it wants. It was her money (she reminded me) and besides, I thought, did I want to be a “lame mom” or a “cool mom”?
Ugh. Dammit. Fine. Okay.
Just walking into Justice is an assault on the senses. It feels like I’ve been drop-kicked right into the middle of a Kidz Bop video. I can’t really take it all in at once, for fear of triggering seizures. The music! The neon! The smells! They should offer Xanax-infused calming hoods like the kind you put on animals, but for parents having to endure this place. There’s much to see, and Camille runs off like we’re at the carnival. Only it’s the worst carnival ever- a carnival without funnel cakes.
The first thing I encounter is a stack of glittery graphic tees with sayings like, ‘I’M SO FANCY!’ and ‘TOTES ADORBS!’ also ‘WHEN IN DOUBT, DANCE!’ I think that last one is a Gandhi quote.
Fun fact: Gandhi loved hip hop and exclamation points!
I pick up a hideous, neon-fringed tee and grumble, “My gawd, this looks like something you’d find Ke$ha wearing… pantsless and unconscious, lying in a puddle of her own vomit.” My daughter just laughs and looks for her size. Uh oh. This is totally backfiring, so I change tactics; now everything she picks up I say, “SO KEWL!” She immediately rolls her eyes and puts it back. Yes! Success!
We find a few things that aren’t totally terrible. She picks up some crazy print leggings, and I feign defeat, even though I secretly think the pair with the doggies screen-printed all over them are kind of #LOL ADORBS.
Oh God, what’s happening to me?
We wander over to the crap cool accessories. This place has everything: Bedazzled makeup kits, 700 types of glittery lip gloss, hair extensions, press-on nails and “comb-in scented hair glitter” WTF? I don’t know what it is but I know I hate it. There is also a “smoothing facial masque”. Why does this even exist? Eight-year-olds have crow’s feet now? Everything is scented. Everything. The fucking throw pillows are scented. Justice has it’s own line of fragrances, with five distinctive scents that all seem to be an intoxicating blend of baby powder and melted Skittles.
My daughter looks longingly at the colorful training bras, perfect for her non existent boobs. But hey, I get it; I myself have a lot of yoga pants for my non existent yoga. Then she picks up the booty shorts and I want to scream “OH, HELL NAH!” but I remain calm. I don’t show fear. But I do wonder silently WHY IS THERE SO MUCH ANIMAL PRINT? I show her a fuzzy cheetah print diary to divert her attention from some lacy cheetah print bikini panties, because I can’t go for that. No can do. So much cheetah. I’m pretty sure Ariana Grande and Chester Cheetah collaborated on this collection. And why do the sweatpants and shorts have words on the butt? To call attention to an 8-year-old’s ass? Really, Justice? She thinks it’s cute. I want to remind her that just a few years ago, she did have words across her butt– yeah, those words said PULL UPS®
We compromise and I let her get one pair of ridiculously short boxers TO SLEEP IN.
As her pile gets bigger (and tackier) I remind her that we’re getting dangerously close to the $100 mark. She’s only slightly better at math than I, so this seems to slow her down. She does choose one thing I actually like- a backpack, albeit a silver, blingy one, but a backpack nonetheless. Hey, it holds books! Books will keep her off the pole! Right? Done.
We make our way to the register and the salesgirl smacks her cheetah print bubblegum and asks for my coupons or “J-Bucks”. I have no idea what this is but she graciously pulls a discount code off my phone and voilà, the $100 pile of crap becomes a $58 pile of crap. Hooray! Luckily, Camille has wandered off to douse herself in Justice juice and doesn’t know she actually had more money to spend. She doesn’t need to know. I hurry to finish the purchase and get the hell out of there, but not before SUPER HELPFUL SALESGIRL calls after me with a 30% coupon, “for next time you shop!”
Next time?! We shall see. But for today, Justice was served.
Damn, lady! That was totes funny! And thank the almighty heavens I have boys. All I have to do is spend ridiculous amounts of money on stupid chunky rap sneakers they'll grow out of in a month. The consumer gods laugh, the evil deities.
My new favorite line, which I am totally stealing: "Justice is the gateway drug to Wet Seal"
Sweet lord you're killing me. "Cheetah print bubblegum." Come shop with me, Rach. We will snark all the places.
I'm not sure which is worse: having a tween girl who will go to places like this or a tween boy bathed in Axe who is creating a stash of crunchy socks.
Oh, sugar, I had both. Now they're close to 30 and out of the house. Back then it was Madonna gloves, side ponytails, tutu skirts and of course the ubiquitous Axe. I'm so glad not to be the guardian of dress code.
You nailed it! Oh, how I feel your pain. I'm just thanking the sweet Baby Jesus that I've never been that assaulted. Yet. <3 Hussy Love <3
I can not stop laughing. "A carnival without funnel cakes!" "An intoxicating blend of baby powder and melted Skittles!" "Books will keep her off the pole!" YOU'RE KILLING ME!
I know this pain all too well. I do have good news for you: my 12-year-old just officially declared Justice "lame." To every thing there is a season…
That place hurts my soul.
My 7yo, of course, LOVES IT. I go in, we take pictures of things I tell her I'll ask her grandparents to get her for Xmas/Birthday/Whatever, and then RUN OUT LIKE A PANTHER.
I work at Justice and this was the best read ever! Great humorous way to describe your adventure!
You are hilarious!! I loved your entire description — I felt I was right there in the scented neon cheetah-infused store with you! Too funny!
Loved this. For a long time in our house it was Claires and their subsidiery Icing that got our now 15 year old's spare change, but now it's Hot Topic. I try to avoid the mall at all costs, but she has an indulgent aunt (with 3 boys) who loves these places.
Thankfully my 11 yr old hasn't asked to visit this store. I am not sure I could have been as "cool" as you. Loved this piece!! You crack me up!! 🙂
Hilarious!! Thanks for the laugh.
Yoga pants for the non existent yoga. I totes get what your are saying. On a side note, my daughter will never hear of this store and its cheetah printed vomit.
Yeah, that place is a scourge on humanity. Loved: "Gandi loved hip hop and exclamation points!" And the bit about Ke$ha.
My daughter went through the Justice phase, and I am happy to report that she is now 10, and we have come out the other side seemingly unscathed 🙂
Thanks for making me laugh today!
Thank the sweet baby Jesus that my girls are too old now for Justice but not too long ago we were in there looking at shorts with BIEBER across the ass. They wanted them and thought they could take off the R and put on an L and BOOM, you've got our last name.
Here's PRAYING to that same sweet baby Jesus that books will INDEED keep them all off the poles!!
Oh geez this is hilarious! When my girls were young, Claire's had just hit the malls and my daughters pretty much required a moving van to fit all the tacky crap they bought from that store into their rooms. Years down the road, I figured I was done shopping for cheetah print junk….until my sister gave me her daughter's Xmas wish list…and EVERY item had to come from Justice, which I had never hear of. I went, and needless to say, I came out looking like a shell-shocked soldier. With my luck, when my toddler-age granddaughter hits eight, there will probably be something worse in the mall
We don't have a Justice store in Alaska, so all I can say is thank the gods…it sounds like place where glitter goes to vomit…
Thank you for confirming every fear I have of ever setting foot in this store.
"The tacky heart wants what it wants." Perfection.
Justice got my son to start doing his own laundry when he was about 11. He freaked when his clothes were washed with my daughters and came out with sparkles. He never looked back. I don't have to do his laundry any more. Justice can have some redeeming qualities… and now the girl is out of that age. Oh, and it gets worse. Sorry!
Tooo funny. I can relate. It ended quick for me because I avoided the store as much as possible. I would always say "Not today maybe tomorrow". Thanks for the laugh :).
I think Justice has great apparel for young girls! Oh, how I would have loved to have that kind of store when I was young. It's fun, it's flashy, it's 2015. Not all the clothes are tacky and sparkly! Come on people, have an open mind!! The clothes are fresh and fashionable. They give a young girl confidence and spunk. Yer all a bunch of prudes!!!!
Hilarious!! I love you. And I don't want girls. Ever. Why won't people believe me when I say that?
Oh gaaaawd I hate that place! But, with 3 daughters I have spend PLENTY of time there! And what IS up with all the animal print?
My nieces took me into that store one time and I'm only just now able to talk about it. In fact. That is all I can say right now. Other than this: "I myself have a lot of yoga pants for my non existent yoga" is hilarious.
I have never been into that store. I must've been repelled by the cheetah print and booty sorts.
glad my daughter is not old enough for that store yet. I'm afraid, very afraid!
And with this post, I am suddenly grateful for the complete lack of shopping options in my area. Literally, where I live, there's Walmart, Target and Superstore for kid clothes. And Target is closing.
Instead of complaining, I'm going to start being grateful for having to shop online. Because the 8 yo doesn't get a credit card.
You are so lucky! We don't have Target, but somehow DO have a Justice. I have boys though so I'm safe.
Loved this. I am laughing, and grateful that my daughter is still too young to start shopping there!
Estelle
Being aware of the fact that I am still young enough to be the target group of stores like that, I had to laugh about your story so hard, my family thought something was wrong with me.
But you are so right, I myself am pretty horrified when seeing 12 year old girls buying ANYTHING with an animal print or scented makeup (like, who invented stuff like that?)
Makes me wonder what shopping is going to be like when I am having kids (and it makes me wish to have daughters so i can feel what my mom felt when we were in that situation and… apologise)
Michelle
Coming from someone who recently ranted about being UNable to find a PLAIN red shirt for my 6 yr old daughter (sans princess, rainbow, movie adverts, or… shit all over it) only to find three in the boys department… yeah, I feel ya. You read my mind.
Books will keep her off the pole! This is some good funny stuff right here.
This was hilarious! Loved every bit of it!