The inevitable has happened.
Late last night, our child walked in on us… you know, in flagrante delicto. We weren’t sure how long she had been standing next to our bed in the darkness before she squeaked, “I can’t sleep…”
We froze in place. Several excruciating seconds went by before she added, “And yes, I can see you.”
Alrighty then.
We (very self-consciously) uncoupled and covered up as she climbed into bed between us. In less than three minutes, she was snoring. We, on the other hand, were not snoring; at least I wasn’t. I stared at the ceiling and cringed for the next six hours.
In the morning we decided to address the situation with her, together, in a mature and calm manner. We sat down across from her on the sofa, smiling and holding hands as she flipped through morning cartoons.
“Good morning, boo. We wanted to talk to you about, um, last night,” I stammered.
“You might have seen something that confused you, so your father and I wanted to know if you had any questions?”
“No.” “Are there any more cereal bars?” she responded.
Her eyes never left the television, but we remained steadfast. This was a teaching moment, dammit.
I pressed on. “Sometimes, mommies and daddies like to have grown up alone time. In bed.”
“Sometimes other places,” my helpful spouse remarked, before I cut him the hell off.
“We love each other very much, and sometimes we show that love by lying on top of each other, sometimes naked. It’s totally normal and nothing to be embarrassed about.”
“It’s how adult people love each other, in a special, private way.
It’s very special, not something we do all the time, ” I blathered.
“Yeah. Definitely not all the time. It’s a special, rare occurrence, like an eclipse, and if you look directly at it, it will burn your retinas,” he added.
So helpful.
“Remember that book we gave you? About how babies are made?” I asked. “We were not making a baby…”
“Gawd, no,” he assured our still silent daughter.
“Hahaha oh, no,” I said as my husband and I looked at each other, still laughing.
I awkwardly continued, “Can you imagine? A newborn. Ugh. Nooo thank you. Ahem, but the part in the book, before the baby…
sometimes we do the stuff in the book, just because we love each other and being together… it feels good and is totally normal, just like it says in the book.”
“When mommies and daddies really really love each other, they go off the books. I seriously doubt “reverse cowgirl” was in that book, amiright?” my husband so thoughtfully contributed.
“Sometimes, Daddy watches too many movies,” I quipped.
“Yeah, sometimes Daddy forgets to clear his Internet history,” he said.
“Sometimes, Daddy likes to try to bend Mommy into a Bavarian pretzel and he forgets that she is not a member of Cirque du Soleil, but is, in fact, a 45-year-old woman with occasional sciatica.” I paused. “Do normal legs bend like that, you may ask? No. No they do not…”
“Sometimes, you may hear strange noises. Mommy makes little, high-pitched dolphin noises and that’s perfectly normal and nothing to be alarmed about,” he over-explained.
“Sometimes Daddy is so sweaty, it’s like making love to a seal.”
Yes, I shouldn’t have, but I did.
“I’d say more like a sea LION, but the point is I work very hard for…”
“Ok, we’re getting way off topic now.” I gave him my “shut up” eyes. It didn’t work.
“Remember when we went to Sea World? It’s kinda like that, but with genitals.”
“Shut up. Stop talking. Stop talking,” I hissed.
“You stop talking,” he mumbled.
“The important thing here is that we love each other very much and sex is a beautiful and natural part of being a grown up. OK?” I had just about covered it.
“Right. A married grown-up. A special, beautiful, natural part of being a grown- up but only when you’re married and like, 30 years old,” he drove the point home even better.
“And married,” I concluded. “So, do you have any questions?”
We held our breath.
She finally spoke.
“Yes. Are there any more cereal bars?”
©2015 by RachRiot, originally appeared on ScaryMommy.com
I love this!!!! I had a visual of this going on in my head while I read and it was just fabulous!
This is just pure excellence!
Lmao too flipping funny.. I’ve got tears I’m laughing so hard..
This was great! The hubs is pretty funny too!
I came over from Shell’s blog and I’m so glad I did. This is hilarious!! Thank you for the laughs.
I am dying right now. Your husband’s contributions were super helpful! Haha. You two totally nailed this sex talk.
This is priceless!
LOL! I have no idea how I would react in that situation!
It’s all about the cereal bars. Always. Forever.
Ugh. So lame, typical mommy blog. Whoever told you that you were funny lied.
I feel sorry for you Candice. It must be tough to go through life feeling so bitter about everything. I hope making comments like this make you feel better about yourself. Clearly you need to.
Candace, since you know what’s funny, you should consider making your own blog. Add original material, though, instead of taking the lazy way out and just creating a List of stuff from other websites. That has been done. Poorly.
You’ll have to get creative with your blog name, though, as The Doughy Blogger has already been taken.
Great post, BTW, Rach!
Must have been a slow night in the mobile home park for Candice (Just call me Candi!). How many times did you retype your comment on that Cheetos encrusted keyboard before you hit enter? Keep trying and Bless Your Heart.
This is exactly how I plan to teach my future child about sex.
Who the hell is Candice, and WTF is she reading this if she doesn’t like it! Fuck off, Candice, if that’s your real name!
Ha! I guess Candice figured out that the 30k people that read my blog and think I’m funny ..lied?! Huh.
They are all disappointed, trust me.
You do know a lot about disappointment, don’t you! Slow Friday night in Decatur, sugar? Why don’t you get a fucking life and stop stalking mine. Your obsession is becoming quite pathetic.
Please stop embarrassing yourself. You’re so sad, jealous and pathetic. Probably because you’re in love with a fat, sloppy, alcoholic with a tiny dick.
“Candice” would die if she found out I sat my beautiful buttocks on the toilet seat of her favorite coffee shop. #ipoppedacuntsquat
i cant stop laughing reading this. Too good 🙂
Ahahaha! I hope you bought cereal bars.
I am actually in tears. This was hilarious hahaha. Thank you for this, I needed it!!!
Very enjoyable!!! So glad I found your writing!
You had me at “reverse cowgirl.” 🙂
Ha! My wife just showed me this, it was the first blog of yours I’ve read… and me and my wife both love your blog/ writing… Candace, however, we don’t love. She has never heard, “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”. Check out my blog at http://www.summerboards.com! THANK YOU!
Thanks, William and everyone else who loved this one! “Candice” is a wanna-be writer and a long time admirer of mine. At this point, I find it hilariously pathetic.
nailed it.
HILARIOUS!
/ An fanitsacing discussion is worth a comment. I think that it is best to write extra on this matter, it might not be a taboo subject however typically people are not sufficient to speak on such topics. To the next. Cheers
pls write a one act play based on this…