Isn’t it fun when your child informs you of some event you knew nothing about? YES, I READ THE SCHOOL EMAILS AND IT WAS NOT IN THE EMAILS BUT THANKS, HELPFUL COMMENTER. And then your child casually mentions it on their way out the door that morning, the very day of the event (or texts it to you)? Something like,
“Momma, oh, yeah …I have a band concert tonight, and uh, I need to wear dress pants… yeah.”
Say what now?
And he hasn’t worn “dress pants” in months and the ones he has are a full three inches above his ankles, so unless the concert is about Texas floods, I guess I’m running out to find dress pants right this very second. One week left of school. Good times.
I’ve decided we need to open a drive-thru emergency pants store, called “OH, SHIT- DRESS PANTS?!” for this very thing. It would be just khaki, black and blue dress pants for boys. Hi, please, just throw some khaki, size fourteen slims in my car as a I do a drive-by, thanks.
Oh, but I know it’s not just the boys; my daughter pulls this shit, too. I’ve spent many a night at CVS, frantically searching for a medium neon tee, because apparently tomorrow is “I’M TOO BRIGHT TO DO DRUGS!” day. Really, kid? But I guess you’re not bright enough to tell me until 9pm the night before? Huh. M’kay.
I was complaining about this on Facebook, and my friends and I decided, why stop at pants? Why not open a store for ALL the many many school “emergencies” we find out about five freaking minutes before they happen? I guess the name “OH SHIT- DRESS PANTS?!” is too limiting, so we need to think of another name. Maybe just, “OH SHIT!” or “WTF, KIDS??” or “WHAT FRESH HELL?” or “YOU NEED WHAT, WHEN?” I don’t know, I’m open to suggestions but let’s not get bogged down in the details. I HAVE LIKE, TWO HOURS BEFORE THIS CONCERT, AND I’M HAULING ASS TO OLD NAVY RIGHT NOW, OKAY?
This magical emergency store will be run by calming grandmother-types who speak in soothing tones and direct you to the following items that are stocked in your child’s size:
White button downs
Black, knee-length skirts
Poster board, all colors
Plain colored tee shirts, every freaking color for “Spirit Day”
Pajama sets for “Pajama Day”
Cowboy hats for “Go Texan Day”
A solar system
A working volcano kit
Alexander Hamilton costume
Betsy Ross costume
Flags from every country
Various baked goods
Pre-filled reading logs
Pre-signed doctor’s notes (Kidding. Sort of)
Booze (Not kidding, even a little.)
The store will be open every evening from 6pm until midnight, because that’s about the time you will learn of this upcoming event. Little shits.
So write your congressman, put it on your vision board, somebody call Oprah and Shark Tank because I need this to happen, people. WE ALL NEED THIS TO HAPPEN.