Just throw the pants in the window as we drive by. Thanks.
Isn’t it fun when your child informs you of some event you knew nothing about? YES, I READ THE SCHOOL EMAILS AND IT WAS NOT IN THE EMAILS BUT THANKS, HELPFUL COMMENTER. And then your child casually mentions it on their way out the door that morning, the very day of the event (or texts it to you)? Something like,
“Momma, oh, yeah …I have a band concert tonight, and uh, I need to wear dress pants… yeah.”
Say what now?
And he hasn’t worn “dress pants” in months and the ones he has are a full three inches above his ankles, so unless the concert is about Texas floods, I guess I’m running out to find dress pants right this very second. One week left of school. Good times.
I’ve decided we need to open a drive-thru emergency pants store, called “OH, SHIT- DRESS PANTS?!” for this very thing. It would be just khaki, black and blue dress pants for boys. Hi, please, just throw some khaki, size fourteen slims in my car as a I do a drive-by, thanks.
Oh, but I know it’s not just the boys; my daughter pulls this shit, too. I’ve spent many a night at CVS, frantically searching for a medium neon tee, because apparently tomorrow is “I’M TOO BRIGHT TO DO DRUGS!” day. Really, kid? But I guess you’re not bright enough to tell me until 9pm the night before? Huh. M’kay.
I was complaining about this on Facebook, and my friends and I decided, why stop at pants? Why not open a store for ALL the many many school “emergencies” we find out about five freaking minutes before they happen? I guess the name “OH SHIT- DRESS PANTS?!” is too limiting, so we need to think of another name. Maybe just, “OH SHIT!” or “WTF, KIDS??” or “WHAT FRESH HELL?” or “YOU NEED WHAT, WHEN?” I don’t know, I’m open to suggestions but let’s not get bogged down in the details. I HAVE LIKE, TWO HOURS BEFORE THIS CONCERT, AND I’M HAULING ASS TO OLD NAVY RIGHT NOW, OKAY?
This magical emergency store will be run by calming grandmother-types who speak in soothing tones and direct you to the following items that are stocked in your child’s size:
Dress pants
Dress shoes
White button downs
Black, knee-length skirts
Black socks
White tights
Clip-on ties
Poster board, all colors
Craft supplies
Plain colored tee shirts, every freaking color for “Spirit Day”
Pajama sets for “Pajama Day”
Cowboy hats for “Go Texan Day”
A solar system
A working volcano kit
Alexander Hamilton costume
Betsy Ross costume
Flags from every country
Teacher gifts
Various baked goods
Permission slips
Pre-filled reading logs
Pre-signed doctor’s notes (Kidding. Sort of)
Booze (Not kidding, even a little.)
The store will be open every evening from 6pm until midnight, because that’s about the time you will learn of this upcoming event. Little shits.
So write your congressman, put it on your vision board, somebody call Oprah and Shark Tank because I need this to happen, people. WE ALL NEED THIS TO HAPPEN.
Thanks.
…with all the impulse buy areas previously reserved for candy and gum stocked with liquor minis and fun-size chocolates.
I’m pretty sure you’ll be a billionaire within the first two years.
Love this!!!❤️ Mayb there could be some sort of gently used consignment system…because the next time they need these things they won’t fit!!! We’re 4 days away from high school graduation ~ my idea when the first one graduated 3 years ago was to set up a tiki bar outside so parents could enjoy a beverage (or three) before/after (even during if you remember to bring a giant purse)!! CHEERS ~ WE MADE IT!!!🎓💃🏻🍸
Can we have a few people on staff to help finish “last minute” projects and book reports, please? Also, the store needs to have an international foods section for the food that is native to the country they had the damn report on. Have you ever had to make flan at 11 PM? And I love the consignment idea, too. The boy is down to 2 pairs of khaki shorts that fit. One is missing a button and one has a small hole. I refuse to buy more with a week left of school.
And remember the stitch witchery to hem them pants!
I’ve always thought someone could run a business doing kids’ school projects. Building forts out of toothpicks. Photo collage of wildlife. Etc… etc… and I’m a teacher!!
Add a hazmat suit for “Marie Curie Day” because radiation
I’m in! And I’ll even work the night shift to make sure shit is stocked. Because I’m a giver.
It needs to be open early – my genius daughter loves to tell me in the morning of the day that she needs…. This is the only time I can be seen at Walmart because it is open 24 hours and has almost everything. And I will say that if you have to shop at Walmart between midnight and 8 AM is recommended.
A delivery service should also be offered!
Ha! Check out the text I got this morning from my son (who is graduating tomorrow) about the dress code for baccalaureate TONIGHT: “Apparently we need a sport coat”
So, I just stumbled upon this blog, and by the time I got to this line — so unless the concert is about Texas floods… — I knew I’d be here forever.
You might as roll out the red carpet now. You’ve got your new stalker in me (in a supportive and totally non-creepy way, btw.)
Thank you! I love stalkers. I write a ton of stuff for Scary Mommy also, so be sure to check me out on their site, too. Some of it never even makes it over here!
Or a mailing checklist of all of the plumbing peovide dealers, or Chevy
or Ford businesses.
Number two (and last) daughter writes her last high school exam tomorrow. So I’m done with that sh*t. Not only that, I can actually look back at laugh at it. Wasn’t so funny at the time. So you could look at this as me gloating (which I totally am) or you could take it as an inspirational, light-at-the-end-of-tunnel comment. Your choice! You’re hilarious Rach! Love your blog.
I’m one of those soothing grandmother types now, but when my kids were little we could have used a “Dioramas R Us” store that was open 24/7. As for the pre-signed doctor’s notes, my daughter made a hilarious attempt at that when she was in middle school. She tried to forge a note from me that let her out early from school, but she misspelled orthodontist and was busted by the teacher. Now she’s almost 45 and has two kids of her own. I still get a chuckle out of it though.
I was going to the grocery and asked my kids,as I was walking out the door,”Do you guys need anything from the store?” As I am shutting the front door my 13 year old son casually replies”Could you pick up some lamb?”
I reply”Lamb?”
Jack: Yes.
Me:Ummm,sure I can cook lamb sometime but probably not tonight. I didn’t even know you liked lamb.
Jack: I don’t but I need to bring 50 Lamb KaBobs to school tomorrow for our “Foods of The World Day.”
Me: WHAT? TOMORROW?
Jack: Yes…the country I chose is Greece. I researched it and they eat a lot of lamb.
Me: They also eat hummus in Greece….
Jack: Nope …my teacher said once dish was approved we couldn’t change it. She seemed pretty happy that I said I would bring lamb kabobs.
Me: There is no way in hell I have time to assemble 50 lamb ka-bobs and drive to Boy Scouts and Soccer .
…..I frantically called the Greek restaurant in town and paid for 50 lamb ka-bobs. Most expensive school project in recent years for this family.
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I have an 8 month old and already looking forward to all the future chaos. I bake, sow, and an expert at last minute because I’ve pulled all nighters when someone wants a two tier fondant cake 1-2 days before the event. Even my husband is helping turn our empty garage into a craft just in case room…Hey!!! That should be the name of the store “Just In Case”…lol…I think you can tell that I’m here to stay. 😉